Anguish

Anguish

You judge me but you don't know the half of it.
You claim to know me but you don't know even half of me
You say we're so close, best buds, real tight.
Then you get with your friends and tear me down with your mental might
God will judge at life's last breath
But you like to judge long before a person's death.
I don't understand how you can be so mean, so cruel.
After all, what did I ever do to you?
I just live my life, go through day by day
But you go out of your way to say
That you can't stand what I believe, what I feel strongly about.
You tear me down and rip my soul out.
You make me feel like shit whether you know it or not
But can you please stop?
It's all I've got.

(Gunshot, siren)

Dear god forgive them, they know not what they've done.
Please forgive them
For your one and only son
has died for their sins,
They need not die,
I'll keep an eye on them from up here in the sky.
And maybe someday they'll realize that it really was their fault,
My life's demise.
Until then, Lord, I'll watch over them with you in the sky,
hoping they die……hoping they die.

12/9/2009

© 2007-2010 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author  

Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, Jesus – Noah Gundersen
Jesus, Jesus, could you tell me what the problem is
With the world and all the people in it?
Because I've been hearing stories about the end of the world
But I'm in love with a girl and I don't wanna leave her
And the television screams such hideous things
They're talking about the war on the radio
They say the whole thing's gonna blow
And we will all be left alone
No we'll be dead and we won't know what hit us
Jesus, Jesus, if you're up there won't you hear me
'Cause I've been wondering if you're listening for quite a while
And Jesus, Jesus, it's such a pretty place we live in
And I know we fucked it up, please be kind
Don't let us go out like the dinosaurs
Or blown to bits in a third world war
There are a hundred different things I'd still like to do
I'd like to climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower
Look up from the ground at a meteor shower
And maybe even raise a family
Jesus, Jesus, there are those that say they love you
But they have treated me so damn mean
And I know you said "forgive them for they know not what they do"
But sometimes I think they do
And I think about you
If all the heathens burn in hell, do all their children burn as well?
What about the Muslims and the gays and the unwed mothers?
What about me and all my friends?
Are we all sinners if we sin?
Does it even matter in the end if we're unhappy?
Jesus, Jesus, I'm still looking for answers
Though I know that I won't find them here tonight
But Jesus, Jesus, could you call me if you have the time?
And maybe we could meet for coffee and work it out
And maybe then I'll understand what it's all about



This song doesn't necessarily coincide with my beliefs but it struck home as I listened to it. There are so many problems, questions, doubts, fears, and God is not always visibly interacting with us. I’ve asked why He could let something like “this” happen, why He doesn't fix everything and just make everyone happy and peaceful. I’ve doubted his existence, doubted his power, doubted his ability to fix things. I’ve left Him out of my daily routine and I very nearly left Him behind when I left for college. I have essentially LIVED this song and I go through periods of hating myself for it. Then I step back and I realize, this isn’t what He wants. He doesn’t want me to hate myself for having doubts or being scared or leaving Him behind. Sure, it saddens Him when I do these things, but ultimately, all He wants is for me is to come back to Him, to believe in Him and love Him, and to share Him and His love with others. No doubt, it will be a constant, challenging test of my faith, especially while I’m at school but I know that if I trust in Him, and with enough of the right types of support, I can strengthen my faith in Him, even beyond what I had as a child.
Whether you believe in the same God as me, different Gods, or no God at all, this song can still speak to you. We are all more or less seeing, hearing about, and experiencing the same social problems. We all have doubts and fears about our government, wars, poverty, basic needs being met, and many other things. We all also have the same basic goals: to be successful in whatever we do, to be happy, to be a part of a loving, caring family, no matter what the makeup of that family may be. With all these similarities, you’d think we would be willing to sit down and talk to each other about our doubts and fears more often, to get things off our chests and relieve our minds. Here’s your chance to start. I’ve always offered to be an outlet for my friends to talk to if they ever have a problem or want to get something off their chest but I’ve never made a wide-spread effort to allow people to get things off their chest. This is my first attempt:
I have set up two e-mail accounts, caresandfears@hotmail.com and advice.please@hotmail.com . If you have any problems, any doubts, any fears that you just need to get off your chest without the feeling that someone will judge you, feel free to send them to the first one. This one is completely anonymous. I have set up the account purely for this purpose and I will never check it again. I used a password that is completely unique to the account and one that I will not remember 2 days from now.
If you have problems or questions you want advice or feedback on, send them to the second one. If you want to be anonymous, that’s fine too! Check out a disposable e-mail account such as the one at http://mytrashmail.com/ . Make sure you find one in which you can receive replies back or leave some other way of contacting you if this is the method you use. I will do my best to answer and advise and if I can’t personally help you, I’ll try to get you in touch with someone who can. You can also send cares and fears to this one if you want someone (me) to see them. If you don’t want feedback and just want to share, simply specify that in the e-mail and I will do nothing more than read it.

11/17/2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author

Once Upon A Time…

I recently rediscovered a song that I somehow remember hearing many times throughout my childhood and have had it playing on my iPod and computer almost continuously ever since.
A special someone colored me a picture of a Sesame Street character I grew up knowing as “Cookie Monster.”  This picture, however, featured a character that looked much like Cookie Monster except he had assorted vegetables in front of him and the caption originally read, “Me love veggies!”
A few weeks ago, in my Psychology lab, we were talking about modeling behavior and stereotypes.  To illustrate how much violence is in some children’s shows, we watched a segment of an episode of Power Rangers.  After class, many of us joked about the over-acting and special effects.
What do these things have in common with each other and too many other tings?  They were all part of a childhood that is long gone and forgotten for most of us.  Sure, the song from my childhood may be different than someone else’s, and maybe a lot of girls didn’t watch Power Rangers but you can surely think of other things from your childhood that have been lost or forgotten.
So what happened to that childhood?  Surely society did not simply delete everything associated with those years, erasing it forever.  No, that can’t be possible because, chances are, that childhood crush you had is probably still alive and well, and your parents probably still have much of your childhood stuff.  So where did it go?  I’m willing to bet that it’s still in your memory, just shoved back behind years of experiences and book-learning.
We all need a little relief from the everyday stresses and strains of our lives.  Since those memories are still there, why don’t you access them, get a little reprieve, and take a stroll down memory lane?  Do this with a friend or parent to help remind you of things you once loved but have since forgotten.  Take some time to write those things down and, every once in a while, pull out that list of memories out and re-live them in your mind.  After all, to feel the freedom and carelessness of a child again, you have to remember what it’s like to be a child.
Once you’ve done this, post a memory, favorite book or TV show, or things you used to do, and read about what others did and liked.  Who knows, maybe you’ll find out your worst enemy actually liked and did many of the same things as you! 

11/10/2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author

My Letter to the Prior Lake American

As a graduate in the Class of 2009, I must say that Prior Lake High School's administration is going much too far in their regulation of school dances. When I read the article about "inappropriate dancing" and how administrators are reacting, I was shocked. Since Dr. Olson left our school, the atmosphere has become more and more like a prison. I understand some rules that have put into place such as the cellphone policy and others that may directly improve the safety and integrity of the school but I don’t see how regulating how students dance affects either of these components. If these ridiculous policies continue, students will soon not be allowed to talk during lunch or they will be required to bring their entire wardrobes into the school to be checked and approved.

Administrators at Prior Lake High School are abusing their power and infringing on students’ First Amendment rights. Yes, I realize that students have very few rights in school, certainly nowhere near what is guaranteed by the Constitution but this is still an unfair and unneeded infringement.

In my freshman year, students were generally happy with the school and administration, most of the time not so much as complaining about early start times. Since then, I have heard and experienced more and more unrest and discomfort among the student body as the administration enacts more restrictions and takes away more freedoms from students.

I have a feeling that if too many rules are placed on school dances, attendance to those dances will drop significantly. The administration may not mind this but it would be tremendously unfortunate for students because, in my friends’ and my experience, dances were a large, integral portion of our social lives, ranking up there with Friday night football games and “Taco Bell runs” after sporting events. I would hate to see students be deprived of the fun and social experience that I enjoyed so much in my four years at Prior Lake High School.
-A Concerned Alumnus

10-22-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author
 

A Mid-Teen-Life Crisis?

Remember when everything you knew was 100% true without a question? When you could believe anything anyone told you and it was perfectly acceptable knowledge to keep? What ever happened to those days? Just last night I realized I’m going through this midlife crisis thing, teenager style. I’ve started to doubt everything I have ever known to be true. I used to believe in my faith without question. Now I’m somewhat unsure about whether what I have can even be considered faith anymore. I was always told (and have told others) that everything will end up okay in the end but I’m not entirely sure I can even believe that anymore with everything that goes on in this world. Just like a mid-life crisis, I’ve started to doubt if what I have been doing in life and what I had planned for my life is what I really want to do. Do I really want to go into the Guard or do I have the wrong motives? Do I want to go to school and, if so, where and for what? I’m even questioning and going as far as regretting many of my past decisions relating to school, relationships, friends, and family. I just can’t help but wonder what might have happened if I had made the opposite decision or chose to do one thing over another. This isn’t to say that I’m unhappy with my life because, in some areas, I’ve never been happier. It just bothers me not knowing whether I would have been happier if I had stayed in touch with this person or if I hadn’t decided to try something. Now I’m scared to make any major decisions because I know that, later in life, I could potentially go through this whole thing again, regretting the decisions I’m making right this second. Who knows, maybe I’ll even regret writing this instead of paying attention to my math review. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I would ask people for help but everyone either tells me what they want me to do or they won’t tell me anything. Neither answer helps me much since neither helps me to consider options that are best for me. It really sucks that that’s how this world works but it also sucks that there’s a constant possibility of nuclear war or contracting some new, deadly disease that hasn’t been discovered yet.

And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country, friends, family, or leaders can do for you (because they won’t be able to help much if your goal is to be happy), ask what decisions will best benefit your country, friends, families, and leaders. That’s the only real way to ensure that ANYBODY is happy.

1-5-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author
 

Problem...solved?

I feel like this won’t go away no matter how hard I try to squeeze my eyes shut so I can’t see the pain…Everything that I can say to you won’t help you. Everything you need is right in front of you, just take it… Try to make it through the daily pain that you feel. Maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad. I know it because I once felt that way. Nothing I could say made it go away. I lived through this, I still feel this, I just live for my tomorrow. Make it go away, just make it go away.

Through the last few years, I have actively listened to and helped my good friends with their problems whether they are relationship problems, family issues, or other things that may come up. I love helping my friends in any way I can but I sometimes wonder if I do too much. I know I get a lot of help from my friends when I have problems and I appreciate it but I also went through a long period of time without any help from friends and I got through it just fine. I know that I can handle anything that comes up by myself if need be. Some friends, however, seem like they have never dealt with anything by themselves before. They always seem to want a plan for exactly how to handle things in their lives and I don’t have all the answers for them. I worry about what will happen when they go away to college or if I ever can’t be there for whatever reason. Daily I contemplate not helping these friends who need help constantly. A tough-love lesson in life may do them some good and teach them how to deal but, at the same time, I worry that they will either take it the wrong way and completely erase me from their lives or that they will end up hurting themselves or someone else. Either way, I could very easily end up the bad guy because I either “abandoned” my friends or I’m babying them and risking making them so dependent that, throughout the rest of their lives, they cannot get through their own problems without serious help. Who knew that someone who impacted only a small handful of people in his freshman year could potentially be making so many people’s lives so very difficult? I love my friends to death, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but why the heck do I have the power to influence them so much? I would almost like to go back to 9th grade when there was not nearly so much potential to negatively influence people. Unfortunately, this is not an option so I must take my chances with life as it is, hoping no one ends up hating me. I am just trying to help after all. It’s just too bad that, in this world, trying to do the right thing is almost always considered the wrong thing.

12-17-2008

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author
 

Inner Monologue of a Crazy Writer//The Persecution and Struggles of an Aspiring Writer

Sooo…starting with nothing again, huh? Oh well, that is usually when you come up with some of your best stuff. Okay, maybe that has only truly happened once but it was a fairly good piece, and it really let people inside your head…heck, it even gave your secrets away on how to write the way you do (what some people insist on calling “good” and “inspirational”).

I don’t really see what's so good or inspirational about what you do…it doesn’t propose anything that will save the world; it’s just thoughts from my big ol’ melon. Although, if my simple thoughts really are that inspiring, maybe I should do what that old creepy guy told me to do and start selling my work instead of letting anyone have it for free. Nah, I can’t do that to my work and the few people that follow it. If someone wants to steal something, let them. I have all the original manuscripts signed and dated anyways. Besides, I like letting people read my stuff, getting feedback, and hearing new ideas. Some of my best final products have only come about because of the comments people make and proposed changes I consider. No…for now, the randomness stays, free of charge, for everybody.

The only problem with leaving this stuff open to everybody is that I always have to censor myself in my final products because there’s always those one or two people that pop into my head that would be offended by something I say or object to the content of what I write. Sure, I can always keep those separate in a folder on paper but it’s not very easy to distribute my ideas in this way.

I used to have places to fully express myself. It started on MySpace where I could make my profile, write my blogs, and I had only my closest friends on there so I knew I could say what I wanted without fear. Well, then MySpace got lame and didn’t work so I went to Facebook. There too, I could say what I wanted on my profile, in my beliefs, and in my notes…until Facebook stopped being a way to keep in touch with my closest friends and I instead added anyone and everyone I knew. Once that happened, I again had to begin censoring myself so I moved to a forum where I figured strangers could come across my writing, read, and critique it, and be generally supportive of what I was trying to do, if not my ideas. I found out quickly, however, that, even though it was a general writing forum, some ideas were not appreciated by administrators. I moved to a blog.

At first, I thought it was great because it kept all my writings neat and organized, in the public eye, and open to critiques and feedback. I did not realize, however, that bloggers that post every couple weeks at most don’t get a lot of traffic or attention and the occasional visitor leaves no comments or thoughts whatsoever.

Then the suggestion comes, “well, why don’t you just advertise on Facebook, in your e-mails, wherever you can?” The answer to that is two-fold. One: I do not like spamming people with stuff….usually. Two: If I advertise on Facebook, I will be attracting (or at least inviting) all the people that forced me to censor myself in the first place.

So where can I put my writings?? That is one question I have yet to find an answer for.

10-22-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author
 

Musical Therapy

Country evokes memories of summers past, time spent with family and friends, and reminds you of that special love you have for that certain someone. Country is the old dog you grew up with, that childhood infatuation with the prettiest girl in town; it's dinners with the family, it's gathering around the TV for a movie with your close friends. Country is what you listen to when you're fishing, at a bonfire, or hanging out, doing nothing in particular. Country is your day-to-day life but, at the same time, it's also those big moments that stick with you forever. Country provides you with the words you couldn't find and it always seems to fit your situation perfectly. Country can paralyze you with emotion or it can give you the strength and courage to do something you never thought possible.

Rock, metal, etc. is a releasing genre. It typically doesn't come with too many memories but when you listen to rock, you can feel, deep within your chest, all kinds of emotions jumping around inside you. Listening to rock the way it should be, with headphones blaring and playing along, allows all those emotions to release via the release of energy. Somehow, even though you are releasing energy, rock also seems to have many of the same effects as endorphins: creation of energy from nothing and a feel-good feeling when you're done.

Rap is good for when you're pissed off, drunk, or want to dance. That's about it…but it has its place too.

10-6-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author
.  

The Writing Process

Sometimes when you think you have the least inspiration is actually when you have the most. I started off staring at a blank page without a clear, profound thought in the world and yet, here I am, still writing. I have a feeling this will be either a short piece or a very long one that I work on for some time and keep adding to. It can't be hurting me to put my thoughts down, after all, no matter how random or pointless they may seem. Who knows, maybe something profound is just waiting to pop out! Right now I don't feel overly profound or in-depth but I'm at about a half page so who knows?

By the way, many people have asked where I get my ideas and how I write the way I do…this is it. I pretty much just sit down and start writing every single thought that comes into my head. Sometimes it comes out poetic, sometimes narrativistic. Sometimes it's just straight thoughts like this. I never know what will come out before-hand and that's what I like most about writing. I can always surprise myself with what's going on in my head subconsciously. Sometimes, I'll admit, I have to work a little bit in order to get things to flow and all that but there are other times it all goes for me like a story and my hand can hardly keep up with my thoughts. It's those instances that worry me most because I'm always afraid I'll lose something meaningful or great even though, in the end, I'm generally happy with the ideas I get in, even if I don't necessarily like how the piece is written. Endings are especially weak points for me. I can usually come up with good endings in poems but with essay-style writings, I am never happy. No surprise that my introductions and conclusions suck in school papers, huh? Somehow though, I always seem to get great grades and comments, even on papers that hardly took me an hour to write. Hopefully that will transition to college…

Seeing as my writing is so random, I ask you to follow along as best you can and ask questions if you get lost. Not sure why I decided to throw that in there, but it sounded good in my head at the time.

Anyways, seeing as it's 1:00 am on a (now) Tuesday, I leave you with this advice:

1. 
   
   Start writing. It's very therapeutic and mind-clearing. Pick up a pen and notebook and write down everything that you think.
   
   
   
2. 
   
   Do not edit anything until you are completely through writing. You may eliminate something that you want later. Leave it in there, as random as it may be, until the end.
   
   
   
3. 
   
   Never give up on a piece, even if you aren't happy with it. You may find a better way to fix it later. I have three or four pieces sitting around that I'm still not happy with, knowing that I will someday get them to where they need to be to publish.
   
   
   
4. 
   
   Do it for yourself. Sure, I love getting feedback and posting what I write for others to read but I always do what I want with it in the end. Take critiques…and throw them out if you want. Make sure your writing can always say "by: YOU", not "by: YOU (with additions from…)". Own your writing.
   
   
   

That's all I've got.

Goodnight.

9-15-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author
 

Stay Golden

How do you sign a yearbook? Do you just write your name and one of those silly little 3rd grade acronyms? Do you write pages of stories, remembering all the times you had with the person? I personally keep my messages to a small paragraph starting with the generic “this class was fun”, “that party was great” and ending with well-wishes and hoping to keep in touch, followed by my (somewhat illegible) signature.

I was perfectly happy with this technique until today when a new (meaning I had only gotten to know her within the last year) friend signed my yearbook. I’m used to the memories and such that I mentioned, and those are just great. She wrote that little bit but then she went on to say that she loves my personality and that I should never change; that I am someone she feels she can trust and that’s something she holds dear in a friendship. This got me thinking. Sure it’s great to sign yearbooks and reminisce and all that but isn’t a better reason to remind someone of what you like about them and how special they are to you? I must admit, I felt a pang of guilt over my generic message-signature combo after I read hers simply because I hadn’t made it personal. By changing a few words, I could have wrote the same thing in many people’s books, even if it was heartfelt. But this young woman and good friend of mine personalized her message to me; she made it mine. And I must give tribute to that because I can honestly say it is one of the only yearbook messages that have spoken directly to me.

So, for that direct message to me, I must thank You. You have made me re-realize what the whole point of signing yearbooks is: to remind those close to you that they are special and that you care about them and want to continue to make them a part of your life.

Stay Golden

6/4/2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author
 

The World I Have Entered

What am I that food cannot satisfy my hunger?
What's happened that water cannot quench my thirst?
Since when can a woman's touch, a hug even, satisfy more than sex and her body?
When did I reach the point of not fighting, of simply not caring?

What is this world I have entered?

When have I been so motivated with no outside cause?
When have I been successful as a result of hard work?
Who is this person I've become, rejecting his friends, accepting his enemies?

What is this world I have entered?

4-27-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author
 

Summertime

The last days of school…so many thoughts and emotions running through everyone’s head: plans to make and keep, happiness and sadness (both because school is over), excitement about the unknown days ahead. Yearbooks being signed left and right, always with the promise that “we’ll all hang out” or that we’ll “call to set something up”; promises that are rarely kept. Now that summer is here, we all think we’re free from the prison that holds us to way too many obligations for nine months of the year. We have not escaped, however, we have only moved; moved to the mental prison that is summer: brokenness, broken plans, broken hearts, broken promises, broken friendships. All these broken things keep us trapped until we once more enter the institution of school. So why do people get so excited for summer? Because, like in the rest of our lives, the good outweighs the bad nine times out of ten. Long days at the beach, BBQs, parties, and friends 24/7 make up for any plans you may break or fights you may have. Sure, people have work and they have sports practices and other things but there’s always time for your friends some other time during the day. That’s the real meaning, the real excitement behind summer, isn’t it? FRIENDS. As teenagers, friends make and shape our lives. Sure, we see people during school, but summer…In summer, you pick whom, and when you want to hang out. You aren’t confined to the hours between school and curfew. And THAT is the beauty of summer. The fact that you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, and see your friends constantly while you do it, that is SUMMER.

Dedicated to everyone who make my summers memorable: Robbie, Taylor, Michael, Abbi, Natalie, Nate, Emily, and EVERYONE else who made last summer awesome. I can't wait till next year!

5-14-2008

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author
 

True Friends

→ someone who can’t stand you being gone
→ someone who patiently waits for you to finish talking about cheating with another friend who interrupted you, then continue your conversation as if there were no interruption
→ someone who gives you Spanish answers every day just because you give him or her mints
→ someone you can “talk” to with expressions and hand signals
→ someone you know better than their own family
→ someone to whom you show your “true colors”
→ someone who doesn’t know your birthday and it doesn’t bother you
→ someone whose birthday you never want to miss
→ someone you say “hi” to no matter where you are or who you’re with
→ someone who you immediately look for at football games, lunch, dances, etc.
→ someone who actually cares about your problems and tries to help you with them
→ someone who goes through your stuff, sheds their BRIGHT RED HAIR all over, then denies it
→ someone who supports your dream to become a cheerleader
→ someone who will admit that they didn’t plan on liking you, it just happened after a while
→ someone who will randomly start a band just because you’ve always wanted to play bass guitar
→ someone who will take weird pictures of themselves for your photography project
→ someone who always encourages you in everything
→ someone who would insist it’s not that bad getting semi-boiling hot chocolate on you as long as it’s “fun”
→ someone who tells you a smurfin’ story about how Smurfette smurfed them in the smurfin’ parking lot. Smurf on.
→ someone who can pretend they’re talking to you about something serious and end with, “she needs to stop making fun of Garth Brooks every time she hears him.”
→ someone you are afraid to disappoint
→ BBH. That’s all there is to say
→ someone who will sit around after school to “lift”, then decide it’s not worth it
→ someone who is schizophrenic, denies it, then later agrees with you
→ someone you write a comment to that is supposed to include one memory but ends up including dozens
→ someone with whom you can have more than three topics going in six different e-mail messages
→ someone you always look forward to seeing
→ someone you just hang out with for the heck of it
→ someone that you joke about hating all the time, to their face
→ someone you would risk your life for
→ someone you don’t want to lose, no matter what
→ someone you dedicate a full AIM “buddy info” page to
→ the people who take up ¾ of your heroes list
→ someone who forgives you for running them over, even if you didn’t mean to
→ someone who makes sure you’re late for just about every class of the day
→ someone who you’re still texting 30 minutes after you decide you’re going to bed
→ someone who will sit onine after they said they were leaving because you’re babbling on and on meaninglessly
→ someone who is proud of you when you find all the grammatical errors
→ someone you are proud to refer to as your friend
→ the people you consider your brothers and sisters no matter how ridiculous that may be based on biology
→ the people who this includes but comes nowhere near to completely describing
To my dear, true friends.

5-14-2007

© 2007 Jacob Tauer

This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author. 

All I Want For Christmas Is....

my two front teeth? Nah, I have those already. A white Christmas? Nah, not the biggest fan of snow unless I can go screw around in it in my car. You? No…sure, I love my friends and family to death but there’s something I want even more.

So what do I want? Well, this is how I see it:

All this commercialized crap ruins the season. I used to be big into Christmas--the presents, the dinner, the time spent, the stories...everything. Now it’s one of my most dreaded seasons of the year because of everything that goes into it. The giant sales starting in early November, the ridiculously expensive presents that everyone just has to have or they won’t be happy, the incredible amount of money that’s involved. Quite honestly, I think Mr. Gaudette is on the right track with just donating everything to charity instead of giving presents. Sure, it may seem extreme but I think, in this world, we need something extreme to turn Christmas back into what it’s meant to be. So if anyone is getting me anything for Christmas (not that I want you to), please consider spending your money on something that doesn’t support an over-commercialized, coroporate spending binge. Give it to charity, or add it to what you’re spending on a little (or bigger) brother or sister or your parents. Make someone else’s Christmas because, quite honestly, my Christmas wish won’t be fulfilled until we get away from how Christmas is getting to be.

So I guess what I really want for Christmas is for this particular holiday to go back to what it used to be: the birth of Christ and spending time with the friends and family that mean the most to you.

I wish you all an early Merry Christmas and I hope it’s everything you want and more!

12-16-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author
 

Happiness

Remember when everything you knew was 100% true without a question? When you could believe anything anyone told you and it was perfectly acceptable knowledge to keep? What ever happened to those days? Just last night I realized I’m going through this midlife crisis thing, teenager style. I’ve started to doubt everything I have ever known to be true. I used to believe in my faith without question. Now I’m somewhat unsure about whether what I have can even be considered faith anymore. I was always told (and have told others) that everything will end up okay in the end but I’m not entirely sure I can even believe that anymore with everything that goes on in this world. Just like a mid-life crisis, I’ve started to doubt if what I have been doing in life and what I had planned for my life is what I really want to do. Do I really want to go into the Guard or do I have the wrong motives? Do I want to go to school and, if so, where and for what? I’m even questioning and going as far as regretting many of my past decisions relating to school, relationships, friends, and family. I just can’t help but wonder what might have happened if I had made the opposite decision or chose to do one thing over another. This isn’t to say that I’m unhappy with my life because, in some areas, I’ve never been happier. It just bothers me not knowing whether I would have been happier if I had stayed in touch with this person or if I hadn’t decided to try something. Now I’m scared to make any major decisions because I know that, later in life, I could potentially go through this whole thing again, regretting the decisions I’m making right this second. Who knows, maybe I’ll even regret writing this instead of paying attention to my math review. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I would ask people for help but everyone either tells me what they want me to do or they won’t tell me anything. Neither answer helps me much since neither helps me to consider options that are best for me. It really sucks that that’s how this world works but it also sucks that there’s a constant possibility of nuclear war or contracting some new, deadly disease that hasn’t been discovered yet.

And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country, friends, family, or leaders can do for you (because they won’t be able to help much if your goal is to be happy), ask what decisions will best benefit your country, friends, families, and leaders. That’s the only real way to ensure that ANYBODY is happy.

1-5-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author
 

SOS

I feel like this won’t go away no matter how hard I try to squeeze my eyes
shut so I can’t see the pain…Everything that I can say to you won’t help you.
Everything you need is right in front of you, just take it… Try to make it
through the daily pain that you feel. Maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad. I know it
because I once felt that way. Nothing I could say made it go away. I lived
through this, I still feel this, I just live for my tomorrow. Make it go away,
just make it go away.

Through the last few years, I have actively listened to and helped my good friends with their problems whether they are relationship problems, family issues, or other things that may come up. I love helping my friends in any way I can but I sometimes wonder if I do too much. I know I get a lot of help from my friends when I have problems and I appreciate it but I also went through a long period of time without any help from friends and I got through it just fine. I know that I can handle anything that comes up by myself if need be. Some friends, however, seem like they have never dealt with anything by themselves before. They always seem to want a plan for exactly how to handle things in their lives and I don’t have all the answers for them. I worry about what will happen when they go away to college or if I ever can’t be there for whatever reason. Daily I contemplate not helping these friends who need help constantly. A tough-love lesson in life may do them some good and teach them how to deal but, at the same time, I worry that they will either take it the wrong way and completely erase me from their lives or that they will end up hurting themselves or someone else. Either way, I could very easily end up the bad guy because I either “abandoned” my friends or I’m babying them and risking making them so dependent that, throughout the rest of their lives, they cannot get through their own problems without serious help. Who knew that someone who impacted only a small handful of people in his freshman year could potentially be making so many people’s lives so very difficult? I love my friends to death, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but why the heck do I have the power to influence them so much? I would almost like to go back to 9th grade when there was not nearly so much potential to negatively influence people. Unfortunately, this is not an option so I must take my chances with life as it is, hoping no one ends up hating me. I am just trying to help after all. It’s just too bad that, in this world, trying to do the right thing is almost always considered the wrong thing.

12-17-2008

© 2007-2008 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author.  

Like Suicide

Your mother came up to me. She wanted answers only she should know. It wasn’t
easy to deal with the tears that rolled down her face. I had no answers ‘cause I
didn’t even know you. But these words, they can’t replace the life you, the life
you waste. How could you paint this picture? With life as bad as it should seem
that there were no more options for you. I can’t explain how I feel. I’ve been
there many times before. I’ve tasted the cold steel of my life crashing down
before me. Did Daddy not love you? Or did he love you just too much? Did he
control you? Did he live through you at your cost? Did he leave no questions for
you to answer on your own? Well fuck that! And fuck her! And fuck him! And fuck
you for not having the strength in your heart to pull through! I’ve had doubts!
I have failed! I’ve fucked up! I’ve had plans! Doesn’t mean I should take my
life with my own hands! -STAIND

This song stemmed from a mother asking the lead singer why her son committed suicide and him not having the answers for her. I’ve had a few scary times in my life when life just seemed too overwhelming and I was not sure if it would ever get better again. I have some great people supporting me, however, and they have always been able to help me through. After one of these times, I sat down and thought about what would actually happen, the actual implications of my actions (a shocker for me, I know). I realized that this is not just about me; this is about everyone that knows me and cares about me. I would be hurting so many people – my parents, sister, grandparents and extended family, all of my friends, my youth minister, teachers at BLS and maybe even some here at PLHS, I would even hurt the people at my job, even if it’s only because they need to fill my position and shifts. These people who commit or consider committing suicide have to be so incredibly wrapped up in themselves, it’s almost unfathomable. The loss of one person causes such huge ripples throughout everyone they know or have ever come into contact with and they don’t stop to think that there may actually be a repercussion that affects more than just them yet they have enough time to plan how they are going to take their lives and they just don’t care. With a little help and attention, its completely possible to stop a suicide. The question is: do you care enough?

1-9-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author.  

The Simple Things

A poet once wrote, "You must love life to live life." I never really understood what that meant until we did an exercise in English in which the class had to come up with 10 little things, simple things, which we enjoy in our lives. As everyone came up with ideas like showering, brushing their teeth, and relaxing at their cabins, I realized that we all too often overlook the smallest, most pleasurable things in life. How long has it been since you watched the sunrise or set? How long has it been since you last sat around a bonfire with your closest friends and just stared up into the stars or down into the fire and talked about life? When was the last time you wondered why sunsets are so beautiful or why the sky is blue and then got a good chuckle at your younger sibling or neighbor’s perspective? When was the last time you rocked out in your car, regardless of the looks you might receive? How often do you tell your friends and family that you appreciate them, love them? If you are anything like me, the answers to those questions is something along the lines of “not nearly as recently as I’d like.” Don’t you ever feel like you are missing many of the moments that are supposed to define life?After that little exercise, I decided I need another goal in life: to attempt to slow down time, slow down life itself during those little moments that make or break how you end up defining your life. You may say it’s not possible but I would be willing to make a bet. If you do any of those things I mentioned or whatever you consider your own “simple thing” and you don’t have a greater appreciation for life, I will retract everything I just said and make a public announcement that you are right and the little things don’t matter.So take the time to slow down and attempt to appreciate the small things so that when you’re on your deathbed, looking back on your life, you don’t simply say “Well, I survived x number of years, but I wish…” but rather you can say, “You know what? I’ve lived x number of years and I loved every minute of it.”

Dedicated to:Mr. Lundstrom
Abbi, Michael, Taylor, Katie, Kelsey, Courtney, Kyle, Bridgett, and everyone else who helps me appreciate the simple things in my life.
Thank you all.

3-17-2008

© 2007-2008 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author.  

Hurry Up and Wait

Hurry up and get up; wait for the shower to warm up.
Hurry up and get ready; wait for your sister's alarm to go off to make sure she gets up.
Hurry up and make breakfast; wait for the toaster to pop.
Hurry up and get in the car; wait for the car to defrost.
Hurry up and get to school; wait for the never-changing stoplight.
Hurry up and get to class; wait for the bell to ring.
Hurry up and get a spot at lunch; wait for the line to go down.
Hurry up to get to the media center; wait for the super-long open period to end.
Hurry up and grab your stuff to leave school; wait for the parking lot to clear out.
Hurry up and get home; wait till you can leave again.
Hurry up to meet your grandpa and sister; wait for her school to let out.
Hurry up and get to the hospital room; wait while nurses do whatever they have to do.
Hurry up and finish visiting, we're hungry; wait to get to a restaurant.
Hurry up and find what you're ordering; wait for the waitress.
Hurry up and eat; wait for everyone else to finish.
Hurry up and get to bed; wait for sleep to come.
Hurry up and wait for it to start all over again.

1-27-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author.  

Sick

sick of work
sick of school
sick of family
sick of expectations
sick of political correctness
sick of the economy
sick of pain
sick of cancer and surgery
sick of sickness
sick
sick
sick

when can i be "healthy" again?

2-27-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author.  

Lost

Job: lost
Money: lost
Music: lost
Friends: lost
Freedoms: lost
Confidence: lost
Motivation: lost
Knowledge: lost
Trust: lost
Aspirations: lost
Sanity: lost
Respect: lost
Integrity: lost
Values: lost
Self: lost
Inspiration: intac...

lost.

2-17-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author.