A Mid-Teen-Life Crisis?

Remember when everything you knew was 100% true without a question? When you could believe anything anyone told you and it was perfectly acceptable knowledge to keep? What ever happened to those days? Just last night I realized I’m going through this midlife crisis thing, teenager style. I’ve started to doubt everything I have ever known to be true. I used to believe in my faith without question. Now I’m somewhat unsure about whether what I have can even be considered faith anymore. I was always told (and have told others) that everything will end up okay in the end but I’m not entirely sure I can even believe that anymore with everything that goes on in this world. Just like a mid-life crisis, I’ve started to doubt if what I have been doing in life and what I had planned for my life is what I really want to do. Do I really want to go into the Guard or do I have the wrong motives? Do I want to go to school and, if so, where and for what? I’m even questioning and going as far as regretting many of my past decisions relating to school, relationships, friends, and family. I just can’t help but wonder what might have happened if I had made the opposite decision or chose to do one thing over another. This isn’t to say that I’m unhappy with my life because, in some areas, I’ve never been happier. It just bothers me not knowing whether I would have been happier if I had stayed in touch with this person or if I hadn’t decided to try something. Now I’m scared to make any major decisions because I know that, later in life, I could potentially go through this whole thing again, regretting the decisions I’m making right this second. Who knows, maybe I’ll even regret writing this instead of paying attention to my math review. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I would ask people for help but everyone either tells me what they want me to do or they won’t tell me anything. Neither answer helps me much since neither helps me to consider options that are best for me. It really sucks that that’s how this world works but it also sucks that there’s a constant possibility of nuclear war or contracting some new, deadly disease that hasn’t been discovered yet.

And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country, friends, family, or leaders can do for you (because they won’t be able to help much if your goal is to be happy), ask what decisions will best benefit your country, friends, families, and leaders. That’s the only real way to ensure that ANYBODY is happy.

1-5-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author
 

Problem...solved?

I feel like this won’t go away no matter how hard I try to squeeze my eyes shut so I can’t see the pain…Everything that I can say to you won’t help you. Everything you need is right in front of you, just take it… Try to make it through the daily pain that you feel. Maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad. I know it because I once felt that way. Nothing I could say made it go away. I lived through this, I still feel this, I just live for my tomorrow. Make it go away, just make it go away.

Through the last few years, I have actively listened to and helped my good friends with their problems whether they are relationship problems, family issues, or other things that may come up. I love helping my friends in any way I can but I sometimes wonder if I do too much. I know I get a lot of help from my friends when I have problems and I appreciate it but I also went through a long period of time without any help from friends and I got through it just fine. I know that I can handle anything that comes up by myself if need be. Some friends, however, seem like they have never dealt with anything by themselves before. They always seem to want a plan for exactly how to handle things in their lives and I don’t have all the answers for them. I worry about what will happen when they go away to college or if I ever can’t be there for whatever reason. Daily I contemplate not helping these friends who need help constantly. A tough-love lesson in life may do them some good and teach them how to deal but, at the same time, I worry that they will either take it the wrong way and completely erase me from their lives or that they will end up hurting themselves or someone else. Either way, I could very easily end up the bad guy because I either “abandoned” my friends or I’m babying them and risking making them so dependent that, throughout the rest of their lives, they cannot get through their own problems without serious help. Who knew that someone who impacted only a small handful of people in his freshman year could potentially be making so many people’s lives so very difficult? I love my friends to death, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but why the heck do I have the power to influence them so much? I would almost like to go back to 9th grade when there was not nearly so much potential to negatively influence people. Unfortunately, this is not an option so I must take my chances with life as it is, hoping no one ends up hating me. I am just trying to help after all. It’s just too bad that, in this world, trying to do the right thing is almost always considered the wrong thing.

12-17-2008

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author
 

Inner Monologue of a Crazy Writer//The Persecution and Struggles of an Aspiring Writer

Sooo…starting with nothing again, huh? Oh well, that is usually when you come up with some of your best stuff. Okay, maybe that has only truly happened once but it was a fairly good piece, and it really let people inside your head…heck, it even gave your secrets away on how to write the way you do (what some people insist on calling “good” and “inspirational”).

I don’t really see what's so good or inspirational about what you do…it doesn’t propose anything that will save the world; it’s just thoughts from my big ol’ melon. Although, if my simple thoughts really are that inspiring, maybe I should do what that old creepy guy told me to do and start selling my work instead of letting anyone have it for free. Nah, I can’t do that to my work and the few people that follow it. If someone wants to steal something, let them. I have all the original manuscripts signed and dated anyways. Besides, I like letting people read my stuff, getting feedback, and hearing new ideas. Some of my best final products have only come about because of the comments people make and proposed changes I consider. No…for now, the randomness stays, free of charge, for everybody.

The only problem with leaving this stuff open to everybody is that I always have to censor myself in my final products because there’s always those one or two people that pop into my head that would be offended by something I say or object to the content of what I write. Sure, I can always keep those separate in a folder on paper but it’s not very easy to distribute my ideas in this way.

I used to have places to fully express myself. It started on MySpace where I could make my profile, write my blogs, and I had only my closest friends on there so I knew I could say what I wanted without fear. Well, then MySpace got lame and didn’t work so I went to Facebook. There too, I could say what I wanted on my profile, in my beliefs, and in my notes…until Facebook stopped being a way to keep in touch with my closest friends and I instead added anyone and everyone I knew. Once that happened, I again had to begin censoring myself so I moved to a forum where I figured strangers could come across my writing, read, and critique it, and be generally supportive of what I was trying to do, if not my ideas. I found out quickly, however, that, even though it was a general writing forum, some ideas were not appreciated by administrators. I moved to a blog.

At first, I thought it was great because it kept all my writings neat and organized, in the public eye, and open to critiques and feedback. I did not realize, however, that bloggers that post every couple weeks at most don’t get a lot of traffic or attention and the occasional visitor leaves no comments or thoughts whatsoever.

Then the suggestion comes, “well, why don’t you just advertise on Facebook, in your e-mails, wherever you can?” The answer to that is two-fold. One: I do not like spamming people with stuff….usually. Two: If I advertise on Facebook, I will be attracting (or at least inviting) all the people that forced me to censor myself in the first place.

So where can I put my writings?? That is one question I have yet to find an answer for.

10-22-2009

© 2007-2009 Jacob Tauer
This information is not to be used in any form, online or off, without the express permission of the author