In Another Life

A question was posed to me the other night that really made me think. “Have you ever wished you could go back and relive your whole life differently?” Because I was chatting with this person, I had to be fairly quick so I generated a somewhat generic, though truthful, response. I said something along the lines of “Yes, but only if I could get back to this point because I’m happy with where I am for the most part.”

As my recurring insomnia kept me up that night, I began to consider what things I would change in my past and where it would put me now. Many of my decisions would change my current life status drastically. I would probably be friends with very different people, my relationship history would be vastly changed, and I would probably be in a different city or state right now. I would erase a lot of pain and hardship, I would avoid situations and lies that got me in a LOT of trouble, etc, etc. Many of these changed aspects would seem to make my life much better and much easier, especially if I had multiple chances to perfect my decisions and choices. I may have found the perfect college for me, may have a lot more money, possibly even my own decent car, I might have a better GPA through high school and college…the possibilities for positives are limitless.

However, after I had entertained this “fantasy” for a while, I also realized three other things were limitless: the number of decisions I could change, the number of “what ifs” that come from each and every decision, and the number of things that could go horribly wrong. I could have dropped out of school, found a very wrong set of friends, gotten into drugs, missed out on relationships, friendly and romantic alike…the list goes on forever. I had to ask myself, am I willing to put myself at risk of losing my dear friends, family, reputation, future?

Personally, I have to say “no.” I simply can’t put all that at risk. It’s a very human behavior to ask “what if?” to look back, to doubt and wonder. But as bad as anyone’s life is, would any person who seriously considers the ramifications be willing to risk everything they have? I know I can’t…I have too much to lose. What do you think?

2/23/2010

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